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I have been so very unfaithful.

It absolutely appalls and astonishes me every single day just how much I turn away from that which is good for me. I certainly understand the do-doo passage of Paul in Romans much better now but it absolutely frustrates me. I want to be a Man of God but temptation grabs me and I not only let it pull me but I invite it into my heart. I want to be able to run marathons but I’m too tired and lazy to get up in the mornings. I want to be an A student but look up information that does not directly pertain to class instead of that which does. I focus so much on my own selfishness and pride when I don’t want to. Ironically it may be those very wants that are so selfish.

I know that I am forgiven and loved but isn’t that supposed to be transformational in my life? I have a vision of what my life should be and I think that, in general, it could be that way but for the person that I am. I’m too proud to ask for help and so even when I triumph (11.7mi run tonight) it is overshadowed the realities that I probably won’t run much next week as I have done little running the past 3 weeks.

I want to escape but I am the problem, not my environment.

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