I don’t get it.
The past few weeks I’ve really been challenged quite a bit especially regarding theology. Really I suppose that it’s been a few years coming but now it really feels as though I just don’t understand things. When I get one idea down it just seems to float away quickly out the other ear and I can’t really build on it much as more things come flying at me.
Today in Christian Teacher’s Ministry I was not exactly blown away but very intrigued with the idea of us not living under the law. I’ve frequently heard that stated but what it means is something that I don’t think I’ve understood very much. As children of God we are given the law as a guardian to swat our hands from doing wrong and to guide us but when we get older the guardian is no longer in charge and father gives us our own little kingdom to rule. Although we are free to do whatever we want with it (including mess up) we can ask the guardian, the law, for assistance on what to do but they can’t make us do it and when we mess up our father tells us that we are still his beloved children and he is well-pleased with us. Throughout our brief period of exegesis I just wanted to say, “alright Moulds, what’s your point?” and I think I mostly understand but I don’t know what it means for my life.
In GS401 we’ve been reading Bonhoeffer’s The Cost of Discipleship which is my second time attempting it. We recently finished Michael Yaconelli but going into Bonhoeffer I again don’t understand the material. On the occasional periods when I figure out what the person is saying (which isn’t that often) I can’t figure out how it applies to my life.
I don’t think that I’m used to feeling stupid but lately I have felt downright dumb. If God is omnipresent then what is hell? If I am free from the authority of the law then what is justification or sanctification? If God issues the call to follow him then how am I to know what he’s calling me to if I am to be skeptical of feelings and turn to the Bible for his guidance? What cross am I to carry, how would I know? It seems as though the things that I have held to be true are turned on their head but I don’t know how or what to do with the things that I think I believe. Am I only a rat conditioned in a certain way who is responding to what the environment around me is feeding me?
I don’t know, and that’s tough.
All this in the midst of wondering if I’ll get to go to Shanghai next semester. I found out that I’ll be teaching at SHS for student teaching 1 with Mr. Tvrdy who, I’ve heard, is a bit different and that worries me some. Will I be going to Romania next year? If so, what will I be doing after that? If not, should I try and get a job in low-paying Latin America or perhaps try and remain state-side for a couple years to make some money perhaps? How does Ms. Romantic-Interest fit into this stuff with me and I with her? Do I even want to teach when I’ve learned that I love urban development and topics in tourism, logistics, travel, etc?
So many questions about my life and where God will send me. The good thing is that in Christian Teacher’s Ministry we just went over various fallacies regarding the will of God and I know that is salvation in Him but beyond that I suppose I must leave it up to him. God grant me strength.